(an anger note)
The people who can hurt you the most are usually the people who are close to you the most, because they know the location of your heart and they know how to break it easily into pieces, leaving you shatter and hurting beyond any pain and any reasons imaginable.
When I experienced that kind of hurt, I always do what I am best at doing... running away. It may not be the best solution, but I don’t know how to express the pain or dissapointment, let alone my reasons to those people who hurt me.
So, I am running...I hope I will meet other people during my run-away moment, who sincerely appreciate and respect me for who I am. People who will stand by me, stand by my cause and reasons throughout the day and night, and not just in the darkest room when noone else are around, then abandon me in the daylight when all eyes are on them. I want to meet other people who will understand me and protect me, who will never sacrifice me to fulfill their own need, their own greed, their own fear, and their own insecurity.
I hope that I am running in right path towards Mount Olympus or Heaven like some people call it these days, because I am in the dire need to speak to God. Not to desperately question Him, just want to feel His words of wisdom and peace all over again.
So I am running. Hopefully someday I will be flying. Flying and defying gravity, so noone will be able to bring me down (if I may borrow the text from one of my favourite song “Defying Gravity”). It is time for me to stop the mental abuse, an abuse that says I am not good enough. “You will never be good or important enough”. Power and material possesion aren’t the only life parameter in this world.
You will be able to forgive and forget, those are the words of the Wise. I am not a wise person, I am a broken human. I am not so sure whether I will forgive and forget. I guess God has given us brain so that we will always remember our pain and our joy, so that we will be wise enough to carry on the joy and not causing pain to others. (Dont do to others what you dont want others do to you). I guess God has given us a heart, so that we always use our heart as our compass, not money nor fear. If your heart breaks, find someone else who will fix it and adore it, find someplace else to mend it. Dont give it to the people who hurt you, share it with the people who can love you unconditionally. Don’t waste your tears at someone who doesn’t appreciate you, who doesnt stand by your side, but laugh with the people who can. If during our existence in this world, we didn’t receive protection and support from the people who are supposed to give those to us, look firmly in the mirror and remind yourself, that you will never ever do the same thing as they did. You will always provide protection and undying love to those who need it. If you are a parent, it’s your main obligation to provide those security, those moral support, aside from the unconditional love, to your children. Say that your door will always open for them no matter what, your love and devotion will never be tainted by money or power offered by others, you will fight along in your child’s corner no matter what, and not running away to save your own’s ass, you will defend your children from abuse and injustice. Your child deserves that. They must know that they were born to this world as EQUAL. They need to know that their loved ones will be at their side, holding their hands and helping them to stand straight. Nothing will take that truth away.
And as for me, I will continue running away. Away from my problems, and away from the people who fail to give me what they should give me in the first place. I will try to defy gravity. Yes, I can! Even if that means I have to run away for my whole entire life. It may not be the most courageous thing to do, but this is how I cope with my pain and learn how to balance my life. Maybe someday I will stop running and start letting go of my pain and anger...
Defying Gravity (song)
Something has changed within me/Something is not the same/I am through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game/Too late for second guessing/Too late to go back to sleep/It’s time to trust my insticnts/Close my eyes and leap!
It’s time to try defying gravity/I think I’ll try defying gravity/Kiss me goodbye/I am defying gravity/and you won’t bring me down!
I am through accepting limits/Cause someone says they’re so/Some things I can not change/But till I try I’ll never know/Too long I’ve been afraid of losing love I guess I’ve lost/Well, if that’s love/It comes at much too high a cost!
I’d sooner buy defying gravity/Kiss me goodbye/I am defying gravity/I think I’ll try defying gravity/And you wont bring me down!